Ok, so first of all, I am in an unpleasant mood, and I apologize, and Im going to say things that everyone will hate. The thing is, I dont know where exactly I fit in anywhere, and I dont think there is really anyone I can safely and effectively talk to about certain things.
I am pretty much exclusively attracted to girls between the ages of 7 and 12. I want to be attracted to people my own age, and I can find them pretty but I never feel physically or emotionally drawn to them, and only little girls give me that flutter in my stomach when they walk by. When I hear a little girl laugh, it breaks my heart with a strange sort of unexplainable joy.
However, I am extremely hesitant to call myself a girl-lover. This is because pretty much all my fantasies are extremely violent, and although I know Im not supposed to say this, I DO think about hurting girls gentle romance and sexual imagery do nothing for me and never have. And it makes me feel so horrid that I feel this way. If I ever actually acted on any of my fantasies I would feel so awful Id have to kill myself and I am really a very decent person and would never hurt anyone. But I dont know what to do with all these feelings inside of me. I dont know how to transfer my desire to strangle into a desire to cuddle. And theres NO ONE IN THE WORLD I CAN TALK TO ABOUT IT.
In any case, I never go near children purposely; not because Im afraid of hurting them I have no problems whatsoever with self control but because it hurts me in my soul that their presence makes me feel such things.
I know that the things I feel will probably never go away, and that Ill just have to deal with them. I guess I just feel very much alone and felt like venting.
OK. Very sorry about that. Im sorry if I come off as whiny and angsty and annoying. This post will probably get deleted anyway. Sorry.