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Outed, against my will :(

Posted by Remo on 2004-September-20 19:54:33 EDT, Monday
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I was outed to my large group of friends this weekend, and the following is long with the details of it. I am going to post a letter I am struggling to write that I will send to these friends. Right now everyone will hear about it and there is some inaccurate information.

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I found some things out last night and it has my wife pretty upset and me feeling, well, like I always feel when I get a full burst of the hatred people have for me because I Am A Pedophile. Some explanation of the group of friends I got outed to:

There is a large group of couples (16 or so) that all met through a social group here in town. Everyone was single and gor married to someone in that group over the years. There is a smaller set of those couples - 8 - that we do things with freuqnetly (once a month or so) and a smaller group (3 other couples) that we get together with frequently and are very close with. We get together every week or every other week. It is a very close-knit group and the friendships extend back as far as 10 years. Everyone is professional, caucasian, mid 30's to early 40's and very homogenous.

Two of the couples in our games-night group (board games and dinner) had kids that I didn't have any sexual attraction to, but it was fair to tell them about my pedophilia so they would make informed decisions regarding their children and me. That was scary but went well and was several years ago. It was the two wives that knew.

Last saturday was the start of what I call the "fall cocktail party circuit". A lot of the people in the large group hold fall parties, and it is sort of an entrenched thing. Person x has his early September, y has a halloween party, etc. It extends through Christmas parties, a party a weekend for about two and a half months. The parties have evolved over time. They used to be keggers of cheap beer and the pitch-in was everyone bringing chips. Now there's a full table of expensive liquor bottles that no one touches, good pitch-in food, and tons of kids.

I had a wonderful time at Saturday night's party. There was a precious 2 yo girl that I played with on and off through the evening. Seeing everyone's kids is always good. I feel a lot of warmth and love for them. I had a nice time, caught up with people and talked to new people. My evening was split between adult conversation and being around the kids as my own son was playing with them outside. There were a couple of odd things with my close friends but it didn't even occur to me, like I went to sit at the table with my three close male friends and they all got up and left. I joked, what'd I clear the table? And one said, the mosquitos are biting. I didn't think about it.

The husband of the couple hosting the party told me two years ago how he'd like to string pedophiles up by their necks, etc. etc. making conversation. Kind of like how gentlemen in the south would discuss whipping niggers 100 years ago with no emotion in their words.

Last night (Sunday) the four couples got together for a steak dinner. I left after an hour being really tired and having worked all day. I didn't really interact with anyone and didn't sense anything out of the order. I learned this morning that the information the wives knew (I am a pedophile) spread last week to everyone in our close group, and from there?

A number of people from the party Saturday knew and didn't say anything to me about it. Looking back I see how my close friends avoided me, and how uncomfortable one was when I held his baby (unusual, because I play with her all the time). Surprisingly the hosts of the party were kind to me, didn't treat me any different. Their son really likes me and I would have never guessed while interacting with him that they knew. We didn't tell this couple because we only see them in large public groups occasionally, and there is no chance I would ever be alone with their child.

I learned that while I was playing with the girl, my friends were making critical comments while watching me in whispers. I learned to another time I was outside with the kids and the person I was talking to left, they sent someone out to be with me.

So everyone knows and the hatred is palpable. ALL my friends will know shortly due to the way gossip works in that group. I have lost my best friends in a fell swoop. Of the three guys besides myself who spend a lot of time together: (a) hates me now passionately, (b) told (c)'s wife if she ever lets me watch her boys again he'll call cps, and is doing so on me I would guess, and (c) who goes with the crowd and has anger towards me.

It is starting to lash at my wife: how could you marry him knowing that? (a) told his wife that my wife cannot watch their 1-yo even in their house with me not there. The couple times she watched her at our house I stayed out for the evening per agreement with the wife, who knows! He's mad at her tremendously for being irresponsible. I am afraid it will hurt deep friendships my wife has, steal her friends away for this shit.

This is the fourth time this has happened in my life. It has sucked every time.

#1 Finals week my senior year in highschool, I was caught masturbating to a nude preteen picture in the bathroom at a party. Everyone found out. I was beaten by a group of classmates and stabbed by one during the beating, after I was curled up on the floor, for it. It was the scariest night of my life to that point. They fucking tortured me over it. EVERYONE OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TORTURED ME OVER IT. I dropped out of school, two weeks before graduation with an A average in my junior and senior year. I lost college over it. I would like to be a high school graduate (have a GED). I would like to have class reunions to look forward to. :(

#2 Towards the end of my tour in the Army, I confided the problems with sexual attraction to children I was having to our chaplain (a Captain). Captain told everyone. My base was small - 1,000 men - and everyone found out. I was beat again and again for it. I was beaten with tire chains in the motor pool while on duty. I begged the base commander for help. He discharged me three months early.

#3 I came out to some friends in my mid-20's. Pretty soon all my friends knew. I got beat up over it that time too, ran down off the road in my vehicle by a female friend's boyfriend who I had been around his kids. I felt a lot of hatred from some friends. It hurt.

Each time I made some friends that accepted me as I am, and thank God for those people. I look back and think, was it worth it?

Remo

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