thursday is a free day in my college schedule, and so i was trying to sleep late....but the phone was ringing repeatedly. i ignored it until about the 5th time, assuming that it was for my roomate, who gets most of the phonecalls. when i finally answered it the lady on the other end told me to come to the student affairs office "as soon as possible." it sounded as if i had done something horribly wrong -- i was worried. when i got there the lady who had called me said that some of my friends (she did not tell me which ones) had reported to them that i had mentioned having sexual and violent feelings toward children, and that they were concerned about me, and wouldn't i like to go and speak to the college therapist now? (er...the last part was not posed as a question....that is, i didn't have a choice in it.) she lead me across the campus to the college therapist's office...i was shaking the entire time...it was quite strange. even stranger, the fact that i actually did TALK to the therapist, because i have a therapist at home, but i never actually talk to her about the things that worry me. i prefer to talk to my parents or close friends about the things that are really personal....but i told things to this stranger, even cried at various points. a very, very weird experience. i explained that, yes, i had talked about my sexual desires among my friends, because everyone talks about their sexual desires on this campus...and i am not the only only whose sexual desires could be classified as odd. i think that being a part of this college has made me much more aware of the notion that i am different sexually. almost no one here is a virgin, like i am. people do sexual things in public. people seem to be able to switch from gay to straight to bi to bondage in the blink of an eye....and what i've realized is that i can't DO THAT....i can't make my sexual desires flex or change. for me it is not a matter of being confused about my sexuality -- it is that i am stuck in it. and i told this stranger these things.
.....i told my parents about talking to her, and for some reason their reactions made me feel worse even though they love me very much and were trying to make me feel better. my mom said something to this effect: "if you're minod were a dinner plate, this pedophilia thing would just be a speck on it, like a pea. when i think of you, i don't even think about that aspect of you. you should not dwell on it, but instead treat it like the small thing it is." My dad started off by telling me that i was not really a pedophile (you see, i think he is under the impression that pedophiles have to be child abusers and have to be male) and that this was really just another thing that made my imagination so incredible. and these conversations made me cry even more than i did on the day that i got interigated. because, i love my parents so much and i know they love me, but they don't understand the situation very clearly at all. and, they are both so convinced that i am not capable of hurting a child. but the thing is, i don't know that i'm not capable of it. sometimes i get scared that i am very capable of it indeed, and so maybe it is good that i am talking to this stranger. and something else my parents told me. they told me not to tell this lady too much. because i think they know the extent of some of my fantasies....but they also know that someone who does not know me very well could worry about my ability to separate fantasy from reality.
....and one more thing. this is something i always wonder. i wonder what my parents would make of it if i were a boy. because when you say that you have pedophilic fantasies and that they are disturbing to you, people don't take you as seriously when you are a girl. the lady told me to come back this week, and so the little ordeal continues...
....i hope i have not said too much.