Reflecting on the past.

So about 15 years ago I started my journey here and what not. I just remember... an excitement at accepting my attractions and embracing them (legally). I would get so excited over going out and seeing and interacting with little girls. As the years went on to my early 20s, these interactions became longer and more consistent...

I remember specifically thinking "this is a golden age for me and I will look back on these times a lot". That was very true. Those girls are now in their mid teens to early 20s. My interactions with girls are much more limited. Less consistent. They don't... flourish like they used to.

Part of this is just purely a lack of opportunity. My early 20s coincided with interaction thanks to family/friends with little girls of different ages, like 4-12. Now? Not as many girls. Plus, my age. Early 20s? People see it as endearing. Early 30s? Weird, I should have my own kids, being with kids, not my own, too much... is weird and cause for concern in the minds of most people.

I foolishly assumed my initial excitement and happiness would remain... sadly, mostly just the frustration and anxiety remains. Maybe I should get married and have kids?

I am not exclusive but my attraction to adult females is... minimal. I really only find late teens/early 20s adult females attractive and that generation, Gen Z, strongly dislikes age gap relations, even if legal. I have been called a pedophile for seeking girls those ages... which is ironic to me because I am an actual pedophile lol

I work with kids, which is nice, but you can't really forge relationships that get romantic under such circumstances such as mine at work. Sure, great friendships... but no (or very few) cuddles, hugs, snuggles, scratches, kisses, caresses etc.

I don't know, life is frustrating for us. It's frustrating for me.

I was watching a Mario 64 speedrunner answer questions. His name is Cheese. A gay man. He was explaining how, before he came out, he suffered from intermittent tachycardia (out of proportion rapid heartbeat). He said that, once he came out to his parents, his tachycardia went away.

This shit eats at us and we, generally, have no outlet. No outlet for who we are, who we love, our desires, our emotions etc. It affects us physically and mentally.

I am mad at myself that suicide has crossed my mind a few times. I am mad that anxiety is an annoyingly lingering problem for me. Don't get me wrong, I am happy more than I am anxious or depressed, but I know I could be happier, more stable, content.

Oh I look stable. well-paying job, nice car, in shape, great friends and family... but... great because they don't know who I really am.