Frianne--

Surely hope you're for real and sincere, because I'm going to assume you are and am going to be blunt and honest in my answers.

I understand if no one wants to. I just would like to know a few things. Like, I know all pedophiles are not the same. Some like only little girls, boys, etc. and some like women also. Is liking little girls like an obsession.

You're right, we're not all the same. My own orientation is that I am mostly attracted to girls, seldom to women, and rarely to boys. My range of attraction for girls is mostly 10 and 11, sometimes 8-12, and rarely down to 6 and up to 14. I also am attracted almost solely to a certain body type-- slender going on skinny. I am attracted to women only when they somehow resemble this sort of girl. Girls who are tomboys are especially attractive to me, and the rare boy who attracts me is almost always girlish. Is it an obsession? Well, sort of. If I walk into a room of people and there is a girl of the right age and body type in the room, my entire attention will gravitate to her and I will hardly see anyone else. So in that sense it's obsessive, yes. On the other hand, if no such girl is present, I do notice the other people and interact with them, and am not thinking about girls the whole time. So in that sense it's not an obsession. And, yes, I do seek out situations where I'm likely to encounter girls, and I tend to avoid situations where I believe there's no hope of encountering any.

Does it consume your life.

Depends on how you define 'consume,' I suppose. It's something that never goes away, that I'm forever cognizant of, that affects my whole being. Would I die without seeing and interacting with girls? Probably not, though I might wish I was dead in that scenario!

Do you look at most little girls and think, ooh I wish I could have her.

Not most, no. Not if you mean 'have' in the sense of 'make love to,' no. I might find myself wishing I could see her entirely, that is, without clothes, but that does not necessarily lead to a lustful sort of desiring, though. Now, if I'm around one particular girl a lot, and she meets the criteria for my being attracted, then, eventually, yes, I do start to lust after some sort of encounter with her that contains sexual overtones. But in the sense of, 'wish I could ravish her'? No, never. My hope regarding a girl I'm attracted to and have a relationship with is that she will feel free to express any interest she may have, and will be open to appropriate responses from me. [And of course, 'appropriate' includes 'legal'!] My motto is, Let the child lead. Of course, that often means frustration for me, but so what?!? At least I had the joy of the relationship. [I should clarify here that when I say 'relationship' I am certainly NOT saying or implying 'sexual relationship.]

I know when I see a good looking guy, I will look at him, but it doesn't mean that I want him. I also look at girls and think they are pretty. Especially little girls.

Right on! Looking at does not equate to wanting, except very rarely.

People tell me that it is an addiction. If someone has touched a little girl and gotten in trouble and had to go to jail, is that basically enough to make you never touch another little girl even though you may want to.

It smacks a bit at times of an addiction. If a pedophile is what is known as 'an addictive personality' in general, then his orientation can certainly begin to smack of an addiction at times, yes. However, for most of us, and certainly for me, we don't suffer from that personality quirk, and are not addicted in that sense. As to whether going to jail makes the difference between being willing to touch and being not willing to touch, I would say almost certainly NOT! The reason I don't touch has little or nothing to do with my desire not to go to jail, and almost entirely with my commitment to treating the girl with love, understanding, and concern for her welfare.

How hard is it to have control where you would never touch a little girl. Sorry if I sound really stupid. I am just trying to learn as much as I can. Thanks guys........

Your questions aren't stupid at all. They're very good, and also insightful. How hard is it to have control? It's not hard at all for me, and I believe also for most of us. The issue is really whether the guy in any situation is the sort of guy that recognizes that his attraction is something that belongs to him alone, or whether he suffers from the moderately common delusion that if he's attracted, that's all that matters-- the other party has to reciprocate, and has no choice. I'm sure you've heard of guys who have girlfriends who want to break up with them and the guy goes to great lengths, sometimes even violent ones, to maintain contact, regardless of the woman's feelings. Or even a guy who is attracted to a woman he doesn't know, and who forces his presence on the woman who attracts him. (Not necessarily to the point of physical force, but at least to the point of intruding himself somehow into her life against her wishes.) That sort of guy, if attracted to kids, can be a real menace, because where adult women usually have a pretty good idea how to handle a situation like that, many kids do not. The kid has been trained to 'be nice,' and that sort of guy will take that as an 'open sesame' sort of global permission to act on his impulses. But, thank god, most of us are not like that. Most of us recognize the signs that mean our attentions are unwelcome, and behave accordingly. The problem we as a group face is that society does not allow 'mere attraction' situations to work themselves out. Most adults do not trust for children, particularly their own children, to make appropriate judgement calls in situations where an atttraction becomes apparent, WHETHER the attraction is of the adult for the kid, or of the kid for the adult, or both. That's an enormous problem, and one that society needs to get itself educated about, to the point where intergenerational attraction situations CAN be worked out between the parties involved. [Provided the adult is not the type described earlier in this paragraph.] If that became the norm, there would be no need for Age of Consent laws.

As to your own situation, your daughter's needs MUST come first. If it is impossible for her to be around your boyfriend without feeling uncomfortable, then you owe it to her to keep them apart, even if that means you giving up your boyfriend. You said in an earlier thread that he had 'molested' her. You need to find out from her, with an open mind, whether she was entirely voluntary in her involvement in this situation, without any hint of coercion of any kind, or whether he in any way imposed his own wants onto her. If the latter, then he's not a true pedophile, but a situational molester. [A true pedophile loves children and would never use force or coercion to obtain contact.] You say that when you ask him if he loves you, he says 'yes.' But is he mature enough to know what love is? I have some doubt on this score, based on your description. My advice is that if you have *any* doubt on this issue yourself, you dump him as rapidly as possible. But if you are truly convinced that he is mature, does love you, and is also attracted to your daughter, then you and your daughter are going to have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk [or several such] in which there is no hint that you 'blame' her for anything and in which you are completely open to honest input from her. If the outcome of that is that she feels OK being around him, and if she feels empowered to set her own limits regarding his interest and behavior, then fine, power on! But if she expresses any discomfort at all with his presence in your life, then I think you owe it to her to find another guy ASAP. Part of being a parent is giving up what you want, if it is bad for your kid.

Of course, you have to decide whether *you* can handle it or not if she *is* willing to be involved with him. You might not be able to handle that, and if you can't you'll have to decide accordingly regarding your relationship with him. And if her involvement was entirely voluntary, then you have the additional burden of deciding how you're going to handle the legal issues involved in the situation. My membership in this group, and my ability to post on this page, requires that I make the following statement: You must never endorse anything illegal. [But I'll also add that it must be made clear to everyone that what he did was illegal only for him, not for her, and only for you if you knew and condoned.]

Hope that helps, and thanks for asking!

--Jensman