I suspect some here are not too keen on the psychology profession. I however am, and want to start by saying that well into my adulthood I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I also believe excessive pornography use, especially in my childhood years, could have had a formative influence on the formation of my pedophilia.. I very much want to hear from the community on these matters, but more on them later.
TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF:
15 years ago I met a wonderful little girl of 11 years of age, who I got to know very closely. We had a great friendship until she was 14, and which point I explained that I did have feelings for her. She replied that she felt the same way. The idea that I was 10 years her senior didn't even enter the discussion. I grew to love her.
Throughout this, some 10 years ago seasoned GC veterans advised me that there was nothing doing. (Meaning, no prospect of success.) I recall Dissident and Baldur being especially helpful. Well, they were right. It was so that mom and dad didn't think it too hot of an idea for their LG to be romantically (even if platonically so), involved with someone a decade older than she.
So here I am years later, with now 4 failed relationships with adults for various reasons, and hundreds of hours of what I would consider to be very good talk-therapy, having been somewhat of an expert on it myself - yet still in a rather undesirable place... (At least when compared to what I had hoped or dreamed to be.)
Certainly progress has been made, but one might expect that over the years anyways. I've not made any progress whatsoever on reducing my attraction to minors. I have been successful in avoiding offending, but I still have quite a bitter taste in my mouth that I cannot foster the sort of relationships I would prefer. (As that would inevitably result in a bad outcome for all involved, not least which would include jail time for me.)
I have even had erectile issues with what most men would consider to be very beautiful women, despite loving them too. (I'm certainly not old enough for this to be something of a physical problem.)
QUESTIONS FOR THE COMMUNITY:
So I have to ask myself some SERIOUS questions. I also want to present some ideas which I am happy to have challenged and any insights, even if just personal anecdotes, are very welcome.
1. I have considered that heavy use of pornography from a tender age of 12 could have resulted in altering my sexual desires today. - I don't particularly believe so, but that's not the point of this post. The idea is to entertain the possibility and see if others have also had issues with pornography. Specifically, when I was 12 I specifically remember not wanting to look at pictures of adults. I realized, "I want to see girls my age." I sought out images of girls in leotard and swimsuits. This was a legal activity. I later marveled in the delight of Junior Idol videos.
I just wonder if that continuous exposure over years could have impacted my sexual orientation? To this day, I much prefer younger girls especially of the ages of 10-14, and I can't even imagine how a straight man could not be attracted to girls of the 12-16 range. To me it seems unthinkable.
As typical story I presume, as I got older the ages of the girls I was interested in did not change much, with the exception that now that I am nearing 40 that I do indeed find the occasional adult to be extremely attractive; but I have an 18 year-old friend who's 4'10", 90 lbs in mind... (147cm and 41kg.)
It still makes me wonder if years of my masturbating to images of young girls (albeit legal pictures) could have trained my orientation to be stronger? I would only imaging that this would have contributed to the strength of my now intense attraction.
I have to ask then, if anyone else has a pornography or sex addiction, and if they take those sorts of thing seriously? I have recently managed to quit pornography, but I still catch myself watching the occasional YouTube video so I guess I'm not perfect. I have read that many pornography addicts report interest in child pornography and hence I wondered if perhaps many in our community consider themselves pornography addicts? (Regardless of the type of content.)
To me it would be great to hear if others have problems with pornography, or equally so, if they report no problems or heavy use at all. (Especially interested in those with a lack of use during their formative years.)
Equally worthwhile to consider would be in anyone had considered themselves a sex addict in the past, as that can manifest quite differently.
AUTISM AND ASPERGER'S SYNDROME
So interestingly enough, while I am not gay or bi (or any of the trans bullshit) I did discover both through published studies and by being personally antiquated with hundreds of autistic individuals that the rate of non-heterosexuality in the autistic population is perhaps larger than that of the heterosexual segment. This is to say that they are about equal numbers of sexually normative heterosexual autistics as their are the basket of LGBTs. Such a rate of non-heterosexuality is way way above normal. Perhaps 10 or 20-fold as many in the normal population of non-autistics.
This becomes interesting to me again to discover how many here may know of their own autism within? It does not leave us, that's for sure. It is a curious personal question I ponder because it makes me wonder if my autism and my pedophilia are perhaps related to the abnormal brain development that is indeed a major factor in autism. Perhaps autism and pedophilia can be connected. (Obviously many pedophiles are not autistic, but I would bet (though will little or no data) that austistics as a whole are much more likely to be pedophiles, and especially if you consider their much higher rates of non-heterosexual and otherwise non-normative orientation.
WHY DOES THIS ALL MATTER?
While I do not hate myself at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is that being a pedophile is very much a hindrance to me meeting my personal goals and desires of having a family. Well, so is being autistic for that matter.
I've now had multiple physically attractive girlfriends who didn't feel I loved them, and part of their evidence was my erectile issues, but also I'd say in my estimation that it also involved some deeper intuition of theirs that a women like them, in appearance and perhaps even in a deeper way, wasn't really my ideal. In no small way is it true that they don't make me feel the sort of fire I feel within that only a young girl can. With that said, while I emotionally may not yet be fully onboard with the idea of changing my sexual orientation away from children if I could, it would certainly be very convenient to be more sexually attracted to adults in order to facilitate my desire for a long term loving relationship with an adult, that can result in marriage and a children of our own. The idea of being sexually attracted in any sense to an adult, especially though an aging (30+) or overweight adult is something that is often unthinkable to me, and especially sad when considering the high number of overweight and unattractive adult women that seem to increasingly roam much of the globe.
So what gives? I believe when I last asked if anyone could or has figured how to change their sexual orientation away from children the general response was that nobody had seen much of a reduction in those feelings over time. Then I guess the next question might be how can one become attracted to this thing called adult women?
Perhaps if I moved to Asia where the women are much smaller I might be able to make it. That seems wildly inconvenient and hazardous for a variety of reasons, not least of which is the language barrier and the risk of being taken advantage of. Something that I have no trouble falling victim of in my home-country.
Is it entirely out the window that porn addiction could have caused my pedophilia? Is it at all possible that ceasing all porn consumption could revert the damage? I have pretty much stopped all porn use going on several years now, and the young girls out in public are just as hot as ever, if not more so since I now no longer see them in the computer as much. So, from personal account, it certainly doesn't seem to have resulted in any changes.
I'll close this rant and thank and encourage the sharing of any replies in advance. I hope you've all enjoyed my post.