...the first years of my puberty, and nothing can change it.
Of course there have been some joys and adventures in my life, too, but they are not the same as happiness.
There have also been several different serious crises in my life, full of despair and mental torture; they have each lasted for several years. Luckily I think that the most serious crises are over.
I wonder like many others: would it even be sane to be happy and well-adapted in the world where we live? And with the ego that we have?
The ego -- it is the biggest problem. My ego will be gone when I die. I will never be enlightened, but when I die, there will be darkness that is almost as good as light.
(Of course there will be no darkness, but nothingness.)