GirlChat #303599

Start A New Topic!  Submit SRF  Thread Index  Date Index  

Journaling Saturday, March 26, 2005

Posted by Kevin Brown on Sunday, March 27 2005 at 00:37:12AM

Journaling Saturday, March 26, 2005

Thursday was my visitation hour with my son. My wife’s attorney has instructed CPS to separate our visits so it was the last time he will see us together until court in mid-May. We got separate days spaced out so that he won’t go as long between seeing someone from his family.

The visits are emotionally difficult for all of us. They take place during a time he is very active and in a play mood. As a toddler most of his play is solitary. He likes having one of us around to interact with; at home I had gotten into the habit of watching more television because of it. He is too distracting for me to read a book or work on something. On the other hand he doesn’t want constant interaction – just me or my wife to be there to hand something to or try a new sound out on.

He is not in an affectionate mood at that time in his day and not particularly interested in hugs. It is hard for my wife and I both on that count – we want to hug and hold him, and tell him how much we love him. We get that chance at the end of the visit but it is because he realizes he is leaving us. He cries and screams, wraps his arms around our necks and cries on our shoulder. We gave him a photo collage of us both with him (including the picture of him and I with Fluffy cat in the rocker).

He has been in three foster homes in three weeks.

My wife’s lawyer advises her she has an excellent chance of getting him back and that it will take six months to several years for him to return home, with ongoing supervision of him by the State until he reaches majority age.

I have finished a week as a farm hand and feel much better physically. My strength was gone a few weeks ago. The stress of everything that has occurred since last July (when I was outted) had exhausted me nearly completely. I enjoy the work and the animals. We have a farm lunch – two to two and a half hours – so I am able to keep up with my personal business as well. It is early mornings. There are three hands at full staff – two hands and a barn foreman.

My coworker who started on Monday with me “came out to me” on Thursday. I had suspected a little bit but wouldn’t ask. I felt some optimism after talking at length with him. He contracted HIV in his very first sexual encounter at the age of twenty. He has lived with the virus for twenty years. Unfortunately I met someone who is as ostracized as I am. People who are positive are not welcomed by the gay community at large. He is dying now and his parents told him not to knock on their door. Most of his close friends have died from the disease over the years.

As soon as you think you have it bad, you get to know someone who has it worse. I draw strength from my co-worker’s courage.

I told him he shouldn’t trust the foreman – he is a racist and has problems with Catholics. It’s country people out there. I was having a talk with a friend about being Country Mice or City Mice. I love the city. I have always wanted to subsistence farm and love the country. I remembered what I don’t like about the country – the ignorant people, at least in the places I’ve spent time at in rural Indiana.

I carried Jim Seymour’s “Five Acre Farm” around for years in my twenties. That may be the direction my life heads, depending on whether the State recognizes my fundamental civil rights or chooses to institutionally discriminate against me. The vision of managing pasture and crops has great appeal. I have a full cabinet-making shop that can generate side money. The whole vision of living off of a small self-sufficient farm is beautiful. There is a strong knowledge base here for doing so as Indiana has a significant Amish population. This is one possibility; I am thinking now of what I will do with my life as I am starting over again.

A couple of friends have pointed out to me that I have conceded before the fight has even begun. I had given up and felt hopeless. The State is a massive edifice of power. Feeling that weight was crushing. Getting my physical strength back is helping. I am lifting weights and working to get a routine together. I know what steps I have to take and going through all of this at once makes finding inner strength difficult.

Rick Roberts has reached the conclusion that I made the call to his show as a “cry for help”. There is some belief in criminal justice circles that criminals have consciences and want to be caught before they hurt someone. The action I took obviously had dramatic consequences in my life. I believe some other actions I took would have resulted in a similar outcome – coming out publicly, the play as the performances drew closer. I have spent time carefully thinking through my actions and talking with friends about it to fully understand why I did what I did.

I considered the “cry for help” possibility in depth to make sure that I am being honest with myself. That is not the reason I made that call. I believe I have felt a deep insecurity about custody of my son since his birth. My marriage had been failing for a long time. Being outted to all of my friends and losing a career due to my sexuality last July deeply affected me. I came to the boards, I think, looking for a plan of how to live with this – and didn’t see anyone’s circumstances that matched mine in fundamental ways.

One consequence of all of this is having frequently now had conversations with “straight” people about my sexuality. I have been told I give the perception of being ashamed of it. I have been told that I am much more uncomfortable with it than the other party. Combined with anxiety and fear over the news coverage and the State seizing my son I have felt very much like an object of scorn. It is difficult to stand proud and tall in my shoes though I am justified in doing so. Pride is tough to come by right now for me.

I have a “parenting interview” to participate in at the Court’s instruction. I have done my homework on it.

I believe that what has happened to me is that I have had a belief about how to live successfully with this most of my adult life that is in conflict with the established beliefs of mental health and law enforcement professionals, is counter to the beliefs of others with a similar orientation, and goes against the advice of friends and family. I believe:

1. It is in Society’s best interest to be aware of my orientation in many circumstances. It is fair and allows others to make informed decisions. If the consequences of doing so are always devestation, hatred, and institutionalized discrimination, it is not likely that I would continue doing so unless I was exceptionally principled.

2. My life is fulfilling when there are children in it. Completely removing children from the life of someone with an orientation similar to mine severs them from a mental image of who children are and their sacredness. They are more likely to objectify children in that circumstance and engaging in distorted thought about their emotional capacities. I posit that removing children from the life of a person with an orientation similar to mine increases their risk, if they have any, of crossing legal boundaries.

3. There is no basis or evidence that sexual thoughts about children correspond in any fashion to an individual’s likelihood of acting on those thoughts. There is absolutely zero evidence to support this position outside of studies on predominantly adult-attracted individuals who have molested children. I have had absolutely no success even with great effort expended eliminating or redirecting my fantasies. It is now generally accepted that trying to “convert” homosexuals is ineffective. It would be much more constructive to nurture that fantasy life as a person’s only sexual outlet, help them with information and resources for dealing with celibacy, and allow open discussion on the topic. I am healthier when my fantasy life is emotionally connecting and respectful of the other person rather than objectifying and focused on solely their body.

4. I expect absolutely for society to respect its end of our mutual social contract. I expect my civil rights to be respected. I am entitled to the same rights as any other citizen of this Country.

And I expect to hold people who do not respect my civil rights accountable for their actions via the legal recourses available to me.

Respectfully,

Kevin Brown




Follow ups:

Post a response :

Nickname Password
E-mail (optional)
Subject







Link URL (optional)
Link Title (optional)

Add your sigpic?