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ARGH, still hate Papa Murphy pizza commercials!!

Posted by Eeyore on Tuesday, December 19 2023 at 03:54:41AM

Some of you know the ones. The ones with the family.. dad, daughter, mom, son. They are all over television. Dad is white, making dinner for his family out of the goodness of his heart, by baking one of those shitty commercial Papa Murphy pizzas. Daughter is about 16, clearly not his genetic offspring, and is sitting at the table waiting to be served by him, with her big fat Jimmy Durante nose.

It always goes something like this (admittedly slightly paraphrasing):

"Hey, everyone! I'm selflessly baking a pizza in the kitchen for my not-exactly traditional family, whom I nevertheless love enough to try to cook for every Saturday night, because I love all of them so much."

Daughter sitting at table waiting to be served:
"Daaaad... you're so stupid and white. Uhh, clearly you don't know how to set the oven to 350 like that black guy who just popped up out of nowhere!"

Dad gets a dumb look and says something stupid while non-genetic daughter rolls her eyes at him.


In a more realistic world...

Dad slams the oven door shut and turns it off. Throws his flower oven mits onto the kitchen floor.

"Alright, I think I've finally had enough of this constant peanut gallery bullshit from our 'Princess.'

Sheila, you and Mark go dig in and enjoy. Me and Tammy here *dad glares at her* with just one M and an I, are gonna go have a heart to heart in the other room."

She rolls eyes as they get to the other room.

Dad looks around, takes a deep breath for composure, and then:

"Look here, you ungrateful little shit. Your mom and I adopted you out of foster care last year because we wanted to help a kid and had the financial means to do so. We already had a biological son, but we firmly believed we could love an adopted daughter equally even if she wasn't our own. We went into this whole thing imagining adopting a very young baby or toddler white girl, but when they told us how many older kids never get adopted out, we began to reconsider. And once they told us your REAL parents had abused you and prostituted you, and that your subsequent foster families didn't give a damn about you? Well our hearts melted, and we decided to take you in despite being an older child. We've showered you with love, given you a stable family experience. We put a solid roof over your head, as you can see by this commercial we all agreed to do, and THIS is how you repay us???

You've made a complete MOCKERY of me in front of a national audience, despite being the humble breadwinner of this family where you no longer need to want for any typical need whatsoever, and you chose a PIZZA to make me look stupid?

I suspect your mom will rightly beat the sass right out of you before it's too late. Ohhh.. CPS, you say? Who's going to back you up? Not your little brother. Not after you stole his allowance to buy condoms for that 23-year-old convict boyfriend of yours. Time to shape up or ship out, princess.

And now that you made me look like a fool, you can forget that rhinoplasty surgery daddy was gonna pay for."


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