Maybe I am a working alcoholic.
I don't know if I can help anyone, telling you to go to Alcoholics Anonymous feels a little out of character for me. But of course you could try it. To be honest I don't know anything else that might help.
I used to talk a lot in those meetings, kind of AA poet, but it is in the past, tens of years ago I lost my desire to make long speeches, I lost my idealism, my desire to theorize and philosophize.
There are many kinds of meetings and many kinds of people there, I attend just short meetings that last 60-90 minutes, meetings whose participants are common people, not fanatics. The so-called program? I am not a computer, I cannot program myself, I never think of any programs outside the meetings, but maybe some of those principles have seeped into my soul, which is not a bad thing.