What's Vichy again? I forget.
Any way, yes it's been a roller coaster.
You know a lot of my story. But as with you, I believe it's made me a better and more caring person. But being denied love for so long has also made me very hateful and full of rage. I don't know what it is to love someone else. I mean... I *think* I love my family, but in reality I'm just not sure that what I feel for them is indeed love.
That being said, the heartbreak never ends. I've posted elsewhere that I developed severe mental illness around the same time I discovered I'm an MAP. Mental illness does run in my family, so pedophilia is not the only blame, but it definitely plays a large part and the depression from it has disabled me, likely for life.
In my teens, which was when I discovered I'm an MAP, there was a suicide attempt, there was self-abuse, drugs, etc. My best friend outed me to my mom. Over a decade later my mom threatened to call the cops on me over some BS, and then said she'd have no problem when I threatened to slit my wrists in the bathtub. This all because she's never made an effort to talk to me about my true feelings for LGs, or apologize to me, nothing. I have her tricked now that I've gotten therapy for my pedophilia and that I'm "Cured". Of course it's a lie but she had to be shut up.
Since discovering my pedophilia, I have been:
- Christian again
- Satanist again, current
There was even a period last year where I thought I'm no longer an MAP.
So... yep. It's a major struggle.
BTW, I just replied to your last email.