I used to be hopeful I realized.

I used to be very hopeful, I guess in part because I had a very close little girl friend (now 17) and I think I deluded myself. I assumed progress was a natural occurrence but I have seen so much reversal in our culture in regards to us and other things.

I think, in the back of my head, I was telling myself "one day we will be accepted" and assumed that "one day" would be when I was still youthful... hell even alive. Now I realize that it will not happen even during my life. Now, I can't love a child and they can't love me back but if I had a kid I could give them hormone blockers or let them dance at drag shows. It all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I'll be fine once acceptance of this truly settles in, and even though I do tell myself I accept this, I know subconsciously I am holding on to a fool's hope.