(This is partly in reply to Saddie, replying to me in the thread where Dissident returns. But halfway through I realized this is really for everyone. So I bumped it up.)


I will be honest with you.

I'm tired. I don't feel anymore like I can give GC what GC and all of our posters and lurkers deserve. I feel like superfluous, and like a thing of the past.

I don't really identify with the majority of our new posters, to be honest.

I am not seeing the girls often enough to be happy, and this has been so from October 2018. I miss them. All of them. I sometimes feel like Gunner has become a stranger. And it hurts me more than anyone (and anything) else because no matter what happens, she is the Love of my Life. To some degree I had already rationally assumed that she and I would never be together; but seeing her constantly diminished my pain. Now I don't have even that.

I had very well defined plans for my life, short, medium and long term. Plans which would keep Gunner in my life; which would make it easier to bring the two most important Easterners closer to me; and which would allow me to be more able to be happier myself; and to be a positive force in girls' lives; and to help girls in general: to help more girls and to help each of them better.

And they're all falling apart.

I was positive that by late March I would be going back to study a second BA level degree. I was positive that sometime in the spring I would be at a new place, a place where I would be more comfortable and have it easier to work from home. I was positive that by summer Gunner would move in with me, and start at a new and better school the next grade. I was positive that also by that time I could bring with me the two aforementioned Easterners. Each part complemented each other part and the whole was the final realization of my dreams.

And it's all falling apart.

I have no faith in the future anymore because I don't see how to dig myself out.

Every night I'm crying to sleep.

I'm desperate to feel loved and needed and I can't find where, how, by whom.

I'm drinking to numb my feelings, instead of actually enjoying it or having fun.

And none of this is good for GC. What can I give you or any other poster, when I don't have it myself?

What can GC or her posters give me? Just words on a screen, and that is not enough. Not now, not for this, not for an undefined time span whose end is not in sight.

I'm sorry.

But the storm I'm in makes me a net negative for GC.


Still, hugs.

Because I love you. I do.