There's another thing too:

You have chosen by yourself not to be involved with the AG. So your chances to face such choices are reduced.

I don't know for how long BK has known Abby, or Abby's age. But

With my own girls, more than once, I have been made privy to things they haven't told their mother. I get to know their secrets. I get to talk with them of subjects they haven't broached with their mother. At the same time, when I am in charge of them, I have had the opportunity to allow them to break rules safely - not that I have done it, but I have had the opportunity to and I know I would get away with it.

A lot of it comes with the territory. I can't expect to try to be such a presence in their lives as I am with them, and them stay all the time at a polite distance telling me nothing really deep or relevant. It comes naturally with that level of trust, and the fact that although at times I am almost a parent, they also know I'm really not. Something everyone has clear. So Mom is aware that sometimes I know some things she doesn't, and that I may very well allow them to break her rules, not that I have.

But of course, that would never happen with a girl I am not close enough to, as you with Renee. And would never happen if I took the type of arrangement BK has with Abby. And is also partly dependent on age. With girls aged 11, 12, 13, 14, it's obvious they will have some parent issues and it's obvious it's important to them to have an adult who is not their parent but who they can trust unconditionally. The younger girls certainly also like to have me, but it's not yet at the point where they need the release valve that my position gives them. But they will have it when they need it.

So - there comes a point where you have to choose between sticking to the parents' wishes and rules and betraying the children's trust, wounding your relationship with them that way; or sticking to your loyalty for the children even when getting to know something that breaks parental rules or is against parental wishes, or even being made accessory to it, risking an overreaction from parents that may be worse for the children, you, or the relationship.

That point will happen at different times depending on the precise dynamics. But it will.

I choose the children, but first I have to be aware and mindful that there is a choice there and take it in that consciousness. And certainly I am confident in choosing the children also because Mom has realized that when they are with me and I override or contradict her, that I always have justifiable reason for doing so. Not that I directly contradict her; I've only done that once. But well, I already allowed one of the girls to have a boyfriend without Mom approving, (that's not a contradiction, that's an omission) so I guess I know something about this.