i grew up for the most part in an institutional environment and, besides being ignored altogether, had two kinds of experiences with the men who were predominantly my caregivers.

for one, i was quite severely abused, physically and emotionally, by some of the disciplinarian types who were in positions of power in the institution's hierarchy, and so were unchallenged in their treatment of me. this was partly an overt attempt to break my spirit, and partly homophobia (i'm not gay, but i was quite a sexual kid and it was an all male environment).

i was also treated very kindly, inspired and encouraged by a couple of nurturing men.

one of them used to sunbathe nude on the roof with some of the boys, and also drew some very good nudes of them, which i saw. let's assume he was a boylover, altho i don't know if he was ever sexually active with any of them. i was desperate to be one of his coterie, but i was basically too young to be accepted by them at that time. he left under a cloud before i was old enuf to get to be drawn nude, which is something that interested me greatly at the time, and which i believe would have been very healing for me psychologically. i would love to have such a drawing (or photograph) in my possession now.

the other nurturing type i had a close relationship with for 3 or 4 years. he was a confidante and defended me against the excesses of the disciplinarians. he also encouraged and enabled some practical talents i have which have been of life long benefit. he was a lot like a parent for thaat time, despite his nominal responsibility for many other boys besides me. he never made any moves on me, but altho he had girlfriends, i'm pretty sure he was attracted to boys. i've heard him denigrated as a 'paedophile', 'kiddie-fiddler' etc since then by others who knew him.

i'm not sure how i wld have responded to sexual overtures from him. possibly not very well, becos i was old enuf to have developed a certain amount of homophobia, and i can't say i found him physically attractive, or even cuddly. but i was quite lonely and sexually frustrated at the time, and also quite deprived of physical affection, so maybe. i think it would have made me feel more secure if i had known even what i know now, that he had a particular interest in me, and probably some affection. at the time i just took it for granted, as kids do.

i was very unsure of myself physically as a child, and never thought of myself as attractive or desirable. i think if either of these men had revealed that possibility to me, it would have been of great benefit. as it was, i was an alcoholic by my late teens and also engaged in a lot of other self harming behaviour, which i put down largely to the relentless pressure put on me to conform and behave. i think having somebody older reveal, however briefly, that they thought i was worth loving would have put me on a totally different track.

so yeah, actually, i do think it would have improved my life. maybe it even did.