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Ennui, pessimism, original sin

Posted by Hajduk on Friday, October 24 2014 at 06:55:10AM


You know what is the worst feeling I have on being a GL?

That I take a look back at myself and back at my relationships. I examine and find my flaws (or coordinated flaws, too.) I find terrains I cannot cross. I find things I am unable to do. I find problems I am not able to correct. I end up in places which do not make sense. I realize the lack of progress. I actualize the futility of most of my effort; devored by an entropy I cannot shrink.

I realize it isn't for lack of trying. I can and would and will always improve and increase my capabilities. They will still never be enough. It will still be too little. And when it isn't too little, it will still be too late. I will never be what I need to be. The world is always a step ahead; I am always a step behind. My efforts are never as good as they need to be.

And I realize it is so because it has to. That if I could be on top, that would mean it was too easy, and if it were too easy, it would have no merit to try. Anyone would do it and it wouldn't test anything. Or help anyone. But I realize that the only way this can happen is for it to not just be difficult, but impossible. That entropy is needed in the system for the effort to be meritorios. That I have to lose time after time just in order to prove that I want to win. That my inadequacy has to be a given for me to keep trying.

But it still hurts me, stings me more painfully than anything, to know that I am not good enough and that I will never be as good as I need to be. That I will always owe every one of my girls more than I can pay. That I am suboptimal and condemned forever to be suboptimal.

This is not me; or them; or a moronic society where we live; (although each of these may factor in) this is the design of the universe.

And that is depressing. The imperfectness of the universe and of GL is part of its magick, a lot of it indeed. But it is also depressing to watch. And to live.










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