"Nothing has symbolic meaning"


... i suppose youre right. I think i have an inlcination to paranoia, or some schizoid tendencies, because Im always thinking there is deeper meaning to everything. guess i just need to relax more. anyways, the thing about predicting how she will feel... id just feel horrible if i caused any type of pain to a child so although my ideas may be dense or unfounded, they are there to possibly serve a purpose.
When i was about 8 years old, some interaction between me and a neighbor boy (who was close to a young teen) took place. at the time I loved the physical feelings, and I would initiate, etc. However, it really haunted me mentally. My behaviors started changing. I became obsessed with things like germs, and had to eat off paper plates and plastic silverware. and nobody ever attributed these behaviors to possible molestation or anything, but i guess thats besides the point. anyways, things like that further solidify my beliefs that maybe I should avoid sexual contact of any kind.
anyways, like i said in a few other responses to people. I was sort of just babbling. dont think i ever wanted or intended to get into a