Re: God spoke to me

"That was directed at an indefinite You, not at you, Stahntii-e."

Boy can I get paranoid, pessimistic, and defensive, sometimes. Sorry for my moments of being scared that the world is turning against me. I think that side of me has something to do with the fact that because of all my rebellions against a strict religious upbringing, somewhere deep inside of me I sort of expect for things in my life to get bad - almost as if I think I have escaped something I shouldn't have been able to escape. That good'ol "fear-god upbringin" sure can fuck a head up.

"You already did a lot to open your eyes - that is not something a dumb person would be likely, or even able to do."

Thanks, Qtns. I dp feel better now.

In my frustrated upbringing I definately let the misery flow from me to others (I picked on the weak as an outlet). Maybe this is also a factor in causing me to feel guilty and expecting things to go wrong in my life. I am living a different life now, though, and I hate bullies now. If I could go back in time, I would hurt that person I used to be. I am nice to people now, although I still do like to test people's limits sometimes. But I do it in a sort of cute friendly way. And I'm not relentless with it. I am now actually mindful of when people I may be momentarily teasing have had enough. And when I see they did, I reassure them I'm only kidding, and then show them compassion. Some old folks might say I'm a "needler". But I'm nothing like the relentless person I was as a kid and young man. In order to get rid of this guilty conscience, what should I do? Should I find every person I can who I wronged and apologize? Or should I take the less dramatic route and just cut down even more on my needling? I'm definately gonna do the latter. But then there's the fact that I've sort of fine-tuned the latter to the point that it is now a quality of mine that people love and hate simultaneously (kinda like the misery loves company principle). But I don't want to be miserable or make people need misery. So I think I will actually tone it down even yet some more. Abd I think I need to be more mindful of others feelings and circumstances, too, which should also help. Well, Thanks for your replies, Qtns.