GirlChat #504974


Sad, but I know it happens. She needed you.

Posted by rocinante on 2010-June-22 06:02:52 EDT, Tuesday
In reply to Are you ready for another heartwrenching story? posted by Tchaikovsky on 2010-June-21 22:57:35 EDT, Monday

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Thank you again for sharing. It makes me want to go to church. ;)

By fighting for men's rights, you are equally fighting children's rights simultaneously, because children deserve to have men in their life, and Annie is a perfect example. The battle this father had with his wife/ex, and the law plays over time and time again, on one level or another. When it comes to men as a whole, there is growing number who believe the best place for a father is outside of the home. At root of this is the belief that men are predatory by nature, and the same belief also explains why they are distrusted with children in general.

If Annie loved her father, this separation would have been heartbreaking for her, and for someone with attachment (which is really rooted in fears of abandonment,) this alone would be disastrous for her emotional well being.
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Normal childhood development requires some form of intimate bonding between a child and the child’s parents. However, when this bonding doesn’t occur, the child can develop Reactive Attachment Disorder. The mother never wanted Annie, and she hated and abused Annie constantly. The abuse was only physical and emotional. However, she actually tried to turn the tables around and claimed that my friend, Annie’s father, was sexually abusing the girl. She would instill into Annie the thought that he was abusing her, and would tell Annie to tell this to everyone else.

Interestingly, one symptom of RAD, in addition to a lack of attachment to normal attachment figures (parents, teachers, etc), is an abnormal and indiscriminate attachment to complete strangers. I’d like to think that my initial experiences with Annie were part of a very real bonding, I have to wonder if it was all part of her disorder.


I think you will be happy to know that you are over-medicalizing this problem. That is to say it is a universal phenomenon, that can be explained quite rationally, without the need for psychological diagnostic criterion. Let me clarify it for you.

Right you are that a child needs loving attachment with some adult figures, these are usually the parents, and the relationship is usually ongoing. To simplify what happened to her, her mother's actions said to Annie, in her eyes, that her mother did not love her. This was a rejection and a perceived abandonment. IMPORTANT PART FOR YOU: Annie's liking of you was not the result of a disorder in her head, it was her naturally trying to get her needs met. She liked you, and maybe even loved you with good reason. She needed someone who loved and respected her, someone who accepted her the way she was and valued the qualities she had. Maybe it was you were this person to her. Either way, it explains her behavior of wanting to befriend you, or people like you. Your friendship to her was no doubt invaluable, it is just sad that if couldn't have been with more frequent visitation, for longer number of months or years, because she really needed someone like you in her life, and it sounds like she has to suffer with her mom. I hope she finds someone else to love her.


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