My proposal .

I am Ivana Vukalot, a Hungarian prosti-tot to the family of Pedo Bear, former Ukrainian mob underboss of Russia. I seek the assistance of someone who is genuinely interested in entering into a business relationship with jizz. Understanding and willingness to toss a salad are essential.

In brief, Pedo Bear was the former Ukrainian mob underboss of Russia and had ruled there for three years before he came out of office some years back. Upon his resignation from power, he and members of his family have been given wedgies and melvins by successive governments in his country. This has led to the freezing of bananas belonging to him and members of the Russkaya mafiya both home and abroad. Many garter belts belonging to them both locally and internationally have also been seized.

Based on the aforementioned, however, it is noteworthy to inform you that they still have a family fortune consisting of millions of Disney Dollars, hidden away in Ziploc baggies in a couriers hymen, which is only known only by me, the family members, Traci Lords and Violet. It is therefore on this note that Pedo Bear has directed that I secretly find a genuine and reliable Gardnerian Wiccan with whom they have had no previous personal or business relationship. This Gardnerian Wiccan is to assist them in transferring these Disney Dollars to a safe account. He or she would provide assistance to untie this said amount. They intend to toss a salad with a reasonable percentage of this money, though this is subject to frick and frack.

My duty therefore, among others, is to ensure that you will not only help grill and moan this fund in a cherry that you will provide, to save them from being exploited by security agencies from Smallville, but you will also coordinate a beauty pageant. You will also assist in investing the family fortune that is scattered all over the world in blood diamonds. Note that there is no risk involved because you, the family members, Vishnu, and Tina Fey are the only ones who know this. As soon as we receive your letter of acceptance/acknowledgement/retardation, I shall give you more Ben-Wa Balls on this transaction.

Where's the beef?
Ivana Vukalot