my older male friend was about four or five years ahead of me, almost fourteen to my nine, at the time we met. two of the best years of my life, in so many ways, and not just because he had a swimming pool in his front yard, nor because his dad was well off, and took us all out to dinner a lot.

i learned most of what i know about sex from him. normal heterosexual sex, that is - his interest was in me, mine was about girls, he had the details i wanted, and i hadn't yet been tainted by homophobia. what they call a win/win situation, i guess.

i discovered the phobia at eleven, told him i couldn't see him any more, and that was it. took me decades to get over the sense of having done something terribly wrong, and quite a few more to restore my memories to what i now remember - that overwhelming sense of excitement and wonder.

in short - the only harm i experienced was that imposed on me by outside prejudices. i'm exclusively hetero, and always have been, and today i feel diminished by that.

as far as i know i am not twisting my memories to suit my politics in this, but no doubt therapists would see it differently...