turtle,

I have liked you since I came here, and never told you that. I have enjoyed hearing from you over this past summer.

You and I walked the same path in our childhoods. The details don't make a difference - the essence of it is no stability and treatment ranging from indifference to meanness from everyone in life. It warps how you think.

So you understand why I have written all of my life here, and why I don't care how anyone takes it. Anytime in the past - anytime - I shared any of it with someone, it always came down to "but you're a pedophile", like that justified horrendous treatment.

So I never shared it before in the details. No one could understand but other pedophiles.

Some things in particular I relate to in your story:

>wise beyond my years

yes, most definitely. Ten years old and I cared for my mother and youngest brother, worried about food, worried that the flea bag motel we lived in would kick us out. That is no way for a child to live.

>my brother began to get abused too

One of the biggest heartbreaks in my life was talking to my middle brother a few years ago. We are not close. I always carried some resentment because I felt like I took all the beatings to protect him from my father (when he was around), and I had a lot of guilt because I beat him though not as violently or frequently as my father. I learned in that conversation with him that I never protected him at all, he took it as bad as I did all along and had my violence to deal with as well.

That killed a piece of me to realize. Reality IS a bitch.

>part of my soul finally withered away for good

Yes. You can never take it back. There are things in this life I cannot understand truly because of it - maybe intellectually, but not deep down. Like trust. love. compassion. It's not that I don't experience those things, but I build defenses to being hurt so strongly - and it takes a lot of work to do what comes naturally to others.

On the other hand there are things that are easy for me and not to others:

>i am lonely, but i am no longer afraid

So you understand what I've been saying with the I Ain't Scared stuff. It's a paradox: I have felt more fear than most people have in their entire lives, and I'm not scared. Growing up in insanity splits your personality, places paradoxes in your life.

Like: I am honestly one of the kindest, gentlest people in the world. But the world made me mean. How can someone be kind, gentle, and mean?
It doesn't make sense, but it's true.

I have forgiven everyone in my life for what they did. I hope you have reached that point too.

Would you help me with my play my friend?

Kevvy